Chapter 10 - Hindsight Is No Better

I can't do this. I just can't do this. Johnny just died and now Dally's lost it. No, Johnny hasn't died. He's just gone away for awhile. Back out to Windrixville but this time not as a criminal. As a free man. He likes the country. I'll just let him be happy there. After Dally left, I didn't really know what to do. Apart from being an emotional wreck, Dally was also my ride so I couldn't get home. I just wandered the streets. Man, my head was itching. I stumbled getting up on the curb and feel to the ground. Some man in a car drove up and told me to hop in. Normally, I wouldn't so willingly get into someone's car. It could've been a Soc looking to avenge Bob. But that was over. Right now, everything was over. The guy was nice enough and gave me a ride home.

When I got home, the gang was just sitting around the TV. Weren't they going to throw a party? It all seem strange. I told them about Johnny's passing. It didn't even seem hurtful to be at the time. As far as I can remember anyways. I felt nothing. Suddenly, the phone rung. It was Dally. He had just robbed a grocery store. Why would he rob a grocery store? It was indeed a strange grieving process. He told us to meet him at the vacant lot so we could hide him.

We ran as fast as we could to the lot. As we got closer, we could here the sirens clearer. They had closed in on Dally who was cornered under the circle of light of the street lamp. We were running to Dally when he looked at us. With that one stare, it was as if he was saying a speech to us. A speech about how he needed this. Who this was to be. He looked at the police and pulled out his heater. The fool! We knew the heater wasn't loaded but the police sure didn't. Then I understood. I understood just as I heard the bullets fly through the air; their deafening crack shake the fountains of my inner soul. Dally wanted to die. And, like everything, whatever Dally wanted he got. I tried to think through Dally's eyes. Was he happy with this decision. As the force of the bullets jerked him around. He could see the faintest trace of a grin on his face. Of course he wanted this. Johnny was the only thing that kept him sane. Johnny was his anchor that kept him from drifting out to the sea of loneliness and solitude. Dally couldn't live without Johnny. I don't even know how we managed to keep ourselves from doing something stupid and joining them. Dally died before he hit the ground. Dally was still. The police were none the wiser to the event that was going on here. To the fact that our gang was being torn apart, that everything that we stood for was being challenged, that our lives were metaphorically ending. At least Dally and Johnny got off lucky...

I couldn't move. It was as if, in that 10 seconds, my whole life was flashing before my eyes. I saw the gang and I playing football in the back yard. We weren't keeping score, just playing for fun. We were getting into play fights over the ball. We were pretending to care about the score and to act tough and to show that we were superior to the other team. But all we really cared about was that time we spent together. I thought back to when Ma and Pa were alive. If they were here, none of this would've happened. When Darry hit me that one night, I wouldn't have ran away. They would've cared and told me to stay. I would've, and Johnny would've came over. And none of this mess would've happened... I thought about how amazing it is that I got to the lot as fast as the rest of the gang. I could barely see straight let alone stand up. I got very dizzy. My head started to pound as it rushed up to meet the hard, cold pavement below.

After that, it all went blank. I woke up in my bed. Johnny was in the hospital and Dally... Oh ya! Dally had just called and told us he was in trouble. I had to go and help! I tried to sit up but my head was throbbing. I laid back down. Everything was too quiet. Usually our house is a zoo, Two-Bit acting like a deranged monkey and Steve wailing like an elephant in pain. Pain. I tried to remember. Johnny came into my head. He was whispering, "stay gold Pony Boy, stay gold". All of the memories came flooding back. Johnny lying silently on the hospital bed. The Socs running from the rumble. Dally crumbling under the street lamp... Darry walked in and told me everything. I was suffering from shock, exhaustion and a minor concussion. The concussion was cuz of that Socs kicking me in the head at the rumble. Darry said that I had been in the hospital for 3 days and that I was always moaning. He told me I was crying for Mom, Dad, Soda, the gang and him. He also mentioned my complaining of the bad taste of bologna...

I looked to my bedside and saw a rattled old copy of Gone With The Wind. Darry told me that is was Johnny’s; he had told the nurse to give it to me. I couldn’t understand why Johnny would want me to have this dirty thing. I had already read it. Anyways, I couldn’t read it. Whenever I looked at it all I could think of were those Southern Gentlemen walking into the certain death that war held. Just like Dally... I vowed never to read that stupid book because all it held were bad memories of a horrible time. I’m so glad that I had Soda and Darry. Everything that happened had hit so hard that I wouldn’t have been able to get through it without them by my side. Even though I never talked to them about it is was then being left alone with your thoughts. People say that sometimes you just need to step back and deal with your emotions. I think this to be false. Facing your emotions in solitude will only lure you away from your loved ones. People would kill to have a family like I do; no parents, a total anarchy. The truth is, it is tough to stay as a family. If anyone one of us was counted out, our family would fall apart. Just like a Jenga tower with too many pieces missing. Maybe that is what life is. It starts as a full tower and slowly it removes pieces until...